RAW

Just beat Barileau by, a 1211 W. Addison record, 30 points in NBA JAM. Golden State is my new squad. Chris Mullin is an unstoppable offensive (and defensive!!!?!) force. Merk thought my 12 point victory with Golden State over Portland was a fluke, then I slayed his ass by THIRTY!!!!!!!!!!! The Knickerbockers were no match for Mullin and Hardaway, who's contributions cannot be overlooked. Mullin reached On Fire status mid way into the 3rd and kept it all the way until MarC turned off the system with 50 seconds left in the most triumphant brucasing this Sega has ever seen! Mullin is the best white dude in NBA JAM, way better than Rony Seikley. The Empire is BACK!

UPDATE:

Buzzer Beater!

In our third JAM battle Chris Mullin hit a three as time expired to give the Warriors a 56-54 victory, their third straight. Chris Mullin is the fucking man!!!!!!


Update Part II:

Sadly the little bitch copied my strategy and began playing with Detlef Schrempf of the Supersonics. What a fucking weasel! Can't even devise his own strategies so he has to copy mine. Little bitch!!!!

Summer Lust

The reason I haven't left Chicago is because the summers here (oh and my family and friends...) are the best. Those who have spent all or the majority of our lives here especially know what I'm talking about.....We go absolutely nuts to put it lightly.

As little kids we'd stay out all day and night hooping, playing football, home run derby, breaking stuff, drinking and smoking stuff and going to the beach. It was like you lost your mind for three months straight and its still like that today.

Nowadays there is even more of a sense of urgency when summer comes around. We work during most of the day so its imperative we be outside as much as possible. As big kids we must be buzzed or drunk whenever were out. Beer gardens, baseball, concerts, outdoor festivals, frisbee, the beach, summer flings and beautiful chicas everywhere. Just thinking about the summer is making me dizzy with giddiness.

Thoughts of summer hit me hard this week. The weather now is bleak and depressing on a daily basis: cold and overcast, bitter cold and snow, ice and sleet.......awful! But I am here for summer. I am here for fun. I act like a mormon now and a crazed hippee freak in the summer. Its the never ending cycle of
Chicago.

Glab, Inc

Facebook is getting pretty gay. I'm thinking of deleting my profile.

The Redeye is the worst daily paper/tabloid/piece of shit ever published. I'm thinking of not reading it anymore.

I rarely use the internet on my phone, yet I pay $36 dollars a month for it. I'm thinking of getting rid of that too.


I'm starting to look at my life a lot like business. Trim the fat now(figuratively and literally) and make good long term decisions that will keep the business viable for many years to come.

dinner

I am about to beat the shit out of sushi right now. I have discovered this new love recently, since temperance started.

nancy and i were also discussing the end of temperance ceremony....i guess because we cant stop thinking about meat....all day i kept thinking about how great it would be if i tripped and fell face first into a steak.....

nancy just she can;t wait to beat the shit out of a "pepsi throwback" when temperance is over....they are pretty fucking amazing....i drank a whole 12 pack of it in front of her all last weekend.

ta ta for now....

I first want to talk about Mike Glab's claims in response to increased energy after giving up meat. I have no idea if the steroids and GH pumped into these animals has any effect on energy levels and I cannot find any study that can conclusivelt make such claims. It is my though that based on the short functional time that these hormones have in the body they have no effect directly on eaters, but they could possibly change the meat composition. I doubt that it does much, though, since organic meat seems to produce many of the same effects when much is consumed. In addition, the increased energy is probably not due to simply cutting out meats, but cutting out fatty meats. Fats take the longest for the body to digest, followed by protein, and then carbs. This also accounts for more energy expended by the body trying to digest these fats.Digesting also causes an influx of parasympathetic activity, which is basically chemicals in your body that make you feel like you want to sit down and do nothing and just relax so as not to shunt blood away from digestion. Things that digest faster do not cause this much parasympathetic activity. In addition, red meats are acidic and may also cause one to feel pretty bad based on the increased acid in the stomach. I believe that the increased energy is based on eating less saturated fats that slow one down, and I think cheese fries or pizza would cause the same kind of slow down and acidity as meat. Lean meats like turkey, lean beef, and chicken would still be OK, but fatty meats will wreak damage on the stomach.

I had the opportunity to go to a casino in New Buffalo this weekend for my mom's birthday, and I must confess that the amount of pure gluttony here was quite impressive. Watching all the people with elastic waistband jeans smoking Marlboro reds and sweating while they slowly stretch forward to press down on the button that activates the slot machines was alarming, to say the least. The oily stain left upon the button as a result of the slim jims that they held at all times became the perfect image of overindulgance. I cannot claim that I did not want to take a bite off that pseudo-meat stick when they turned their heads, or that I did not crave the thirst-quenching Miller Lite's that were on tap. However, I resisted and took my black coffee to the blackjack table and proceeded to lose the loan money that just got deposited into my account. The casino was a great place, but the temptations were numerous. I was happy that I could avoid breaking temperance, but I cannoit wait to go back post-temperance and make some bad decisions.

Pinnacle of Boredom

The week of January 17-23 will go down as the most boring week not only in Temperance history, but possibly the most boring during the 25 long years I have walked this Earth. I cannot think of anything exciting or redeeming that occured:

Eating three pounds of cheese? Nope.
Pooping three times a day? Nope.
Thinking about steak and chicken wings more than sex? Nope.
Conservative SC justices destroying our political system? Nope.

God this week sucked. I wonder if Joe Snyder would consider this an exciting week? For me, not so much. Would the weekend have been better by consuming alcohol? Maybe. More than likely I would be down $100-200 without anything to show for it. Instead I spent that money on gas, dry cleaning and three bottles of olive oil among other things. WOW! EXCITING!

I watched some sports this weekend, which didn't add any new found excitement to my life. I love sports, but I am conscious of the fact that as I watch them,
I could be doing something much more productive with my time. I could volunteer some of this time for Haiti or domestic poverty which is fervent in these tough times. I could be read books about art, human body or the solar system and then pass on this knowledge on to others. Maybe thats why our society is deteriorating faster than Amy Winehouse's central nervous system. We know we could be doing things to benefit society, but instead we are content not to disrupt the status quo. I talk all this shit, yet I have no idea how to do this and I am currently watching the AFC Championship.

In the background, the only song I have on my iPod by Ten Years After fades gently into silence.

so this as turned out to be some bullshit

Just left funks place not too long ago which wasn't bad. had some salernos and an apple juice. normally i would have had a beer and a slice of sausage pizza but temperance is in affect. this really fucking sucks. glab reminded me that we have 40+ days left.......JESUS H CHRIST.

so, the only real option i have on this decent winter day is to fucking stay in and do my god damn statistics homework that i dont really understand in the first place. i read chapter 2 of my book on thursday night which is what was assigned, and when i finished it i had no fucking idea what i read.

im assuming that i am venting right not.....

this is some bulllllshiiiiit......things would be fine right now if i could get a hottt jj's italian sub for dinner and just chill. i would be good with that. but this motherfucking temperance is in the way and i am required to stay the course.

fuck spell check, im not doing it cuz im pissed......

oh yeah and my fuckin house smells like dog shit because the dog just took a fuckin dump on my kitchen floors. WHATS NEW!!!!!

Could it be ?

I have been doing a lot of thinking the last couple weeks. Honestly its because I pretty much have nothing else to do. Three weeks have flown by and I feel phenomenal. Cutting meat out of my diet seems to have given me an unexpected energy boost, contrary to my original hypothesis. Maybe I am actually supplementing my meals correctly with quality proteins like fish, eggs, beans and nuts (and protein shakes). But more likely its because I am not ingesting large quantities of red meat and poultry.

I'm hoping Dr. Tallarico will confirm or deny my ramblings at some point.

Maybe its because meats are laced with steroids, growth hormones and other unnatural chemicals that affect bodily chemistry or homeostasis as Dr. Rico would say (but so is Albert PooHoles and he seems to be doing fine). Is it possible that the body has a harder time digesting meat? Maybe its because I can eat 20+ jumbo Lotties wings or a 24oz prime rib in one sitting.

Usually after going on a meat binge as mentioned above, I would be confined to the couch or bed for the next or hour so watching Golden Girls reruns on Nick at Nite. Garcia would call this getting a case of the "Itis". During Temperance my appetite has been almost insatiable. I'll eat large amounts of cheese, vegetables, fruit, grains and the proteins mention earlier, yet I never feel too full. As a result I feel more energy. It doesn't sound as eloquent coming non medical point of view, but its the truth. I can't believe I am about to say this, but I can really see myself highly reducing my meat consumption once this is over. Limit meat consumption to weekends and holidays I'm thinking. I know it sounds crazy, especially to those who know me quite well, but I feel great and would like to continue feeling great until that 25 years of over indulging on meat (and alcohol) catches up to me.

Greatness

Watching the Chicago Blackhawks, you get the sense that they are special team. Every game they have a great chance to win. If they are down in a contest you know they can come back and win. As a lifelong Chicagoan its rare we experience greatness of this magnitude. The '85 Bears and the Bulls' three peat repeat in the 90's immediately come to mind.

Greatness in any aspect of life is rare. I use sports analogies because I can't think of any food analogies that make sense. Mike Tallarico eating sour cream and chorizo burritos with his glasses off is a pretty special sight to behold, but thats not nationally televised and thus most people can't relate.

The dog days of Temperance are here and the internal/external envirnoment presents many obstacles. One can be lulled into a trance, fall off the ship and drown in an unforgiving ocean of monotonous existence. With our present surroundings in our periphery, we must stay focused on our goals, whatever they may be. Short term or long term its all the same - your destiny is not predetermined, you create it.

I leave you with a picture of the Founding. It has been over seven years but Temperance has survived the Bush presidency, Hurricane Katrina, several tsunamis and a swift sucker punch to the gut. Although our numbers are small, like 3 of us or something, we strive for inner greatness and hope to inspire others to do the same.

Responding to a hollow plea

In our lives, we are often under the false impression that those people around us who we call family, friends, acquaintances, etc. in some way care for us, even love us unconditionally. They want us to be part of their lives, to share things with them, such as experiences, stories, laughter. All of this sounds quite lovely, if one has just held a damp cloth dipped in ether to his or her face. The truth is, all of these people have these relationships, whether organic(family) or created(friends) in order to prop up their own insecurities and misdeeds. At the drop of a hat, any person, selfish, unselfish, missing a penis, will do whatever is necessary for his or her personal survival and comfort, tossing aside these vaporous connections that we call "relationships." In my case, I have been asked to return to this particular blog, and I'm not quite sure as to why I have been summoned back. It could be because Mike Glab is getting tired of writing about his boring life seen through a his monocular pinprick. Or because Mike Tallarico needs something to distract himself from his worsening masturbatory addiction. If you read his post about toenails, you will see that he is using this as a smokescreen to mask his concerns about the raw and chafed nature of his racially hybridic member. Or, more than likely, Anthony Garcia has eaten his own fingers and Mikes Glab and Tallarico need another blogger to add some spice to their tedious blog. I will be perfectly honest. I oppose temperance. I am a man with no ideals, no beliefs, no convictions. I view others and society at-large as a hindrance, a farce and a cancer that eats away at my ever-dissipating patience. I never want to belong to any group, much less a group that involves self-denial of anything. However, with this being said, I feel that I do need to save money. I also will give you a short anecdote regarding alcohol. This past weekend I was in Santa Barbara, California visiting a graduate school. I had a great deal of downtime, so I thought I'd get some beer and hang out in my motel room and watch TV. I hate television. I hate even more the people who watch it and become engrossed in any of its nauseating programs. I was trapped in a room with nothing to do so I assumed that alcohol would ease the experience, much like water-based lube in a virgin asshole. However, I found that after having maybe one or two beers, I felt that instead of drinking, I would be much better served by simply flipping through each channel. As soon as I caught a glimpse of whatever each station had to offer, I would mentally make a screaming sound in my mind and quickly change the channel. I did this and it actually entertained me. I threw out the excess beer cans. I am not sure if this constitutes my return to Temperance, but I do know that I am fairly indifferent towards alcohol consumption, at the very least at this moment, so I guess will accept the invitation to post to this blog, however I will not, at least overtly, claim to be a member/participant in "Temperance" itself. So, to clarify, I will not be drinking, I will be posting to this blog, but I will not be considering myself a part of this social endeavor. Thank you.

Q+A/ The Problem with Toenails

I must apologize for my recent absence from the blogosphere. I had a gastrointestinal illness wreak great havoc upon me this weekend. Although I felt terrible most of the time, I cannot lie that the feeling of acid eating through my intestinal lining really kept me from wanting to eat hamburgers or drink beer. I felt as if some creature was taking a fantastic journey through my digestive system, similar to how Barileau must feel when he plays with his pet gerbil but devoid of any feeling of pleasure. Anyway, I would like to get back to the regular Q&A of the blog so I will go after the following question posed my Michael Glab:
Half of one of my toenails is falling off......should I remove it myself and if so how ?

I am sorry to get to this answer after Michael may have already performed the operation on his toe, but the common treatment is to tape the broken nail down over the nail bed to prevent any further pain. The nail bed is full of nerve endings and is extremely sensitive to touch. Antibitotic ointment can be placed over the nail bed, and the broken nail may be gradually trimmed as the new nail grows beneath. There are cases where blood may be under the nail causing pressure on the nail bed and the doctor will drill a small hole to relieve pain. Also, there are certain cases where the nail falls off or is removed, and then a bandage and antibiotic ointment should be placed over the nail bed. Ibuprofen or tylenol can be taken for inflammation and pain. Also, I recommend that Mike does not give any of his sensual "foot jobs" to any female counterparts or the broken toenail may predispose to the first case of toenail gonorrhea.

In finishing, I wanted to add this one picture to the blog that I promised long ago. It signifies a simpler time at the end of our high school years when a trip to the Salvation Army was enough to entertain us for the entire weekend. This picture includes Michael Glab, Anthony Garcia, Kevin Newman, Rob Tamillow, Dan Ferri, and myself. Behold the glory and try not to be tempted by the "Attack of the Big Mac" t-shirt.

Weekends

The basic opportunity cost of Temperance becomes more and more apparent each day. Work hard now, enjoy yourself later. We are currently in the dog days of Temperance; a solid six week stretch of low-key activities. Last night, for example, I had a quiet but very enjoyable night. Started off with a delicious king tuna sub and cheese fries from the world renowned Sub T in Forest Park, then went to the movies with the future editor for Hustler.

As a kid, the thrill of sneaking into a rated R movie was only topped by breaking glass in public. You bought a ticket to a PG or PG-13 movie and snuck into the R movie; pretty simple, but a thrill nonetheless. The best was when me and a buddy snuck into There’s Something About Mary at the Lake Theater, which was a notoriously difficult place to sneak into R movies at the time . Not only did the previews look hilarious, but Cameron Diaz co-starred and was the inspiration for many Jr. High boners.

Since no seats were immediately available in the back we strolled up to front to get what appeared to be the last two seats in the house. We knew we were some major bad asses as we triumphantly made our way to the front row, but demonstrating our newfound swagger wasn’t why we did this. It was for ogling Cameron Diaz and seeing someone get their franks and beans caught in the zipper. We probably understood only 20% of its humor, but we thought There’s Something About Mary was perhaps the best movie we had ever seen in our short 13 years of life.

The movie experience doesn’t seem to have the thrill it was once did. Maybe its because a lot of unoriginal crap is in the theaters. Or maybe its because you are sitting shoulder-to-shoulder with people loudly munching on heavily buttered popcorn and greasily texting sweet nothings to their lame friends. But still being able to get the student discount with my eight year old college ID was pretty exciting.

12 Down/51 To Go

(Right now I am eating dick and balls shaped pasta that Joe Snyder brought back from Italy. Its delicious......)

12 days of Temperance have come and gone and 51 more lie ahead. 288 hours doesnt seem like a lot of time for many changes to occur, but I wanted to list some that I have already noticed:

- Better sleep and I wake up fresh: I caught the backwards boxer briefs before I got to work this time

- More energy: getting through the day is much easier

- Doing better at work.....I think

- Increased intensity of workouts: already achieving some of my short term fitness goals

- Already losing some beer fat....and some lotties wings fat

- More money and I'm actually spending it on things I need: Foster Ave hookers named Stormy and brakes for the Intrepid

- More creative culinary exploits: dick pasta with shrimp, squash and orange pepper is fantastic

About 20% of our goal complete and look at all the positive changes. I forgot to mention a slight confidence boost, but thats mostly due to nightly Enzyte and Viagra cocktails........(are those healthy Dr. Tallarico?). I'm sure Anthony and MVT have experienced positive reactions also. Were in it for the long haul. It's not going to be easy but we thrive in this environment. The one negative is that I still suck at Sega....my bread and butter games (NBA JAM and RBI 93) have been letting me down lately. Thr worst part is it makes my roommate's pathetic day a little more tolerable.

Food Drunk

How I long for my fifth hot dog which I place upon a plate covered with the remnants of Jewel potato salad and broken pieces of plastic utensils which I unknowingly chew through in my gluttonous rage. Told by many that all that remains is a pan of onions grilled in butter and garlic, I make haste to throw them into the bottom half of a hamburger bun lying adjacent to the stove. Into the beckoning tunnel of my mouth and through the beaten path of my esophagus it finally arrives at its acidic abode in my stomach. It lies upon its mucosal pillow and begins its chemical dream. It is this that sends the chemical signals are sent into overdrive, the vagus nerve coming to the brink of burnout. My speech slurs, my legs become heavy, and a feeling of euphoria radiates from the cerebrum to every cell in my body. My body, unknowingly moving, settles into a niche in the couch. My mind is no more full than a swimming pool in winter, my body succumbs to gravity. I am food drunk.

-This is a reflection on my last episode of food intoxication. Temperance has put these types of eating display on hold, but I will always cherish my time with those grilled onions.

Q+A: Drinking Away the 5 Senses

Question posed by Michael Glab: Does binge drinking have lasting adverse effects on any of the five senses?
First, we need to define binge drinking; though there is no common ground the exact amount of alcohol that constitutes a binge, many quantify it as 5 drinks for men or four drinks for women over a couple hours (or about the time we order waffle fries with bacon, sour cream, and pulled pork at Grand Central). We all know the short term effects include impaired judgment (waking up next to someone resembling Uncle Buck) and decreased inhibitions (throwing grape sodas at people just cause you feel like it). Binge drinking has also been associated with neurocognitive deficits of frontal lobe processing (motor skills) and impaired working memory as well as delayed auditory and verbal memory deficits in the short or long term. In young men, excessive alcohol is often the cause of elevated blood pressure that can lead to heart damage, kidney damage, stroke, erectile dysfunction and destroy pretty much every other organ. It can also be mentioned that alcohol is directly toxic to the heart, and large quantities cause the heart to dilate, making it a less efficient pump and posing a risk for future heart failure. I must also mention the fact that it can cause cirrhosis of the liver, brain atrophy, stomach and colonic inflammation, inflammation of the pancreas (one of the most painful of all) and cause psychological effects. In regard to the five senses, wernicke-korsakoff syndrome causes the triad of difficulty walking, vision changes, and impaired memory. This would happen following many many binges and is linked to deficiency in a vitamin called thiamine. It can also cause peripheral neuropathies leading to numbness and tingling in the hands and feet. Withdrawal (if an alcoholic) can lead to seizures and hallucinations. Deficits in retrieval of verbal and nonverbal information and in visuospatial functioning were evident in youths with histories of heavy drinking during early and middle adolescence. Anyway, to end this long post drinking may have effects on touch and sight, but it should mostly spare taste, smell and hearing unless it causes some sort of stroke. Small quantities of alcohol have shown to help with cholesterol and cognitive function, but frequent binge drinking is almost always harmful (especially when you refuse to back down from the challenge to eat a third burrito with extra sour cream).

Peace

Temperance serves the purpose to better oneself. Its all about you -
You vs. Yourself. Garcia and I have done this before and we realize that this journey may not be for everyone. However, I think we want badly for others to feel the same sense of accomplishment that is achieved with a successful Temperance. It sounds lame and probably weird coming from people like Garcia and Myself but its the truth.

Recently the blog has been set ablaze (haha yeah right) with the Newman situation. A lot has been said on both sides, but the fact is this:

WE WANT KEVIN NEWMAN BACK, not only to blog with us, but to finish the journey with us as well.

Ultimately it is up to you Kevin, but know that we want you back!

Looking into the future

So, i have been doing some thinking about the end of temperance. to be quite honest i cannot stop thinking about beer and meat and i think this is the point of temperance where seeing meat and alcohol wherever it may be can be a NEWMAN (HUGE) struggle. so, as a result i am thinking ahead to satisfy my cravings.

This is my proposal..........when we celebrate the end of temperance i want to host a small "end of temperance" gathering at my place. reason one is because i still have 2 cases worth of beer in my fridge and reason 2, (I'm sure we can all agree on this) is because i live very, very close to Lottie's.


I am putting the offer out there to invite the graduating class (excluding Newman) to come drink and eat 150 Lottie's wings that i will purchase. this is not only an incentive to stay on the path of temperance but also something to look forward to. Newman, this does not mean you are not invited it just means that we will have a can of Spam for you to eat whilst we dominate the wings.

please include any and all thoughts to this proposal.

Newman Verdict

Liz Newman says her brother is NOT fat.......

Anyways, Newman's blog access has been suspended for two weeks: One week for his premeditated breaking of Temperance and another week for his sister saying he's not fat. Although my body fat percentage probably lies in the mid teens to low twenties, it is at least slightly proportioned throughout my body, giving me enough rank to call Kevin fat.

Liz have you ever seen Kevin without a shirt?. His midsection looks like a Purple Gak factory formed a joint venture with a Cinnamon Mini M&M farm.

Kevin claims he wont drink again until the first week of March, but none of us are really buying it. However we will not give up on Kevin and we are rooting for his return in two weeks. Kevin is as weird as weird can get, but we enjoy his contributions to the blog and his flamboyant asexuality.

big decision today

I have made the decision to skip a vish today, due to it being Sunday and most importantly due to my body feeling like shit. The vish workouts within the last 8 days have been quite intense and my ankles hurt, knees ache, and back is sore.

In addition, i am reflecting on our disgusting friend Kevin Newman breaking temperance. What a God damn disgrace. I bet he is walking around his basement right now, wearing some really tight boxers and his tight laced new balance shoes thinking about how he wants to fuck Bob Holtzman in the ass.

in addition, i just watched Derek Rose in an interview and i feel dumber.

CORRECTION!!

My previous title should state, "This Is a Sad DAY for T 2010"

This is a sad day for T 2010

Temperance is based on Loyalty, Honor, and code. With myself being 2nd in command I feel that I speak for president Glab and the rest of the class when i say that I am hurt, humiliated and discouraged that one of our closest friends has turned his back on us within the first 7 days of T 2010.

This is a journey that only few can take, and that chosen few is not only expected to start the journey but also complete it. Kevin P. Newman has OFFICIALLY violated the code. Unfortunately, ladies and gentlemen he feels that he can just simply make it up with an extra week in March. if it is up to me, that isn't going to happen. Even if he choses to go that route he still won't be recognized at the March banquet that will be held to celebrate the conclusion of temperance. Temperance is not like getting a new puppy that you like for 2 weeks and then giving up on it later on. This is the real deal, you are either in or you are out.

Personally speaking i think we need to take a vote and figure out as to whether or not Newman is in or out. If it were up to me I say that he is indefinately suspended from T 2010 and maybe he can try out again next year but i am obviously in 2nd in command so it is not completely my decision.

I am sure Kevin is sitting next to some old guy at doc Ryan's who is wearing a Rolling Stones t-shirt, mike Tallaricos tight dress pants from new years eve and a pair of loafers and is just laughing at the fact that he just broke this sacred tradition. well, laugh all you'd like newman. I hope you wake up with great regre tomorrowt.......

I was excited to submit my first blog full of happy and cherished memories from week 1 that I could share with you, but instead it came down to this.

THANKS ALOT NEWMAN

Q+A/ The single mind of temperance

I must start by responding to Mr. Glab's question regarding masturbation: There is no definite number of times that is unhealthy to partake in a night unless you find that you are actually traumatizing the penis. If you use poor form or have to use more pressure, you can actually "fracture" the underlying penile tissue or erode skin which could predispose to pain and superficial infection. The rule is simple: if it hurts, you should probably take a break. If you worry about sperm count, know that sperm count wil initially be depleted for 1-3 days following this action, but it will return to normal following following 1-3 days without self-pleasure. Some studies have found a long-term increase actually associated with regular (not excessive) masturbators. Be careful and know that increased trauma may also cause Peyronie's disease(abnormal penile curvature). Take a look at this site and admire the curve. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peyronie%27s_disease There are many different recommendations, but I suggest just paying attention to the cues that your body gives you and, like in all things, moderation.
In addition, I would like to mention that we have all gone into temperance for our separate reasons, but we all move together toward a common goal. For example, I have joined to curb the horrible smells, which certain people would describe as "gut rot," produced by my body following eating binges. Mike Glab has joined because after drinking women look 20-30 lbs. slimmer than they are in actuality. Kevin Newman wants to finally fit into the jeans that he stole from Dan Ferri's closet 8 years ago. Anthony Garcia has joined because he is tired of asking his job to split his salary into two equal paychecks so he can deposit one directly at Lottie's at the end of the week. However, we all are attemting to achieve the same goal of self-restraint and self-improvement. It is in this mindset that this temperant group become a "collective," where success is dependent on each member. If one of us fails, we all fail. We derive motivation from each other, since we all know that this would be a hell of a lot harder without this support. In summary: we shall feast on salads together, but on cheese fries alone.

BREAKING NEWS: Kevin Newman Suspended Indefinitely

This is Breaking News from Temperance 2010:

River Forest, IL - Kevin P. Newman has been suspended indefinitely from Temperance 2010. His suspension is effective immediately. At 1:07 PM on Saturday January 9, 2010 I received the following text message from Mr. Newman:

"Im getting a special dispensation 2 drink 2day bc i upped the fwick (Fenwick high school) entrance xam by 30 w my mere presence. Im going to do an xtra wk in march anyway so its ok. And I can write 1sthand of my hangover on our blog."

A half hour later, a phone call to Kevin was placed by MVT which confirmed the text. "The die has been cast" Kevin told MVT.

An emergency T2010 Virtual Summit was held between Anthony Garcia, Michael Vincent and Myself. Punishments ranging from 60 minutes of tickle torture to a lifetime Temperance ban were discussed. Although we have yet to agree on a proper punishment, Kevin is suspended henceforth. This action was taken due to the PREMEDITATED nature of Kevin's breaking of Temperance.

Please stay tuned for further updates regarding this Breaking News Story.

Survival of the Fattest

Kevin Newman is right. A goal oriented Temperance + Masturbation = Success.

Setting goals is the key to getting shit done. It doesn't sounds pretty but it works. Kevin's 'Drive to 205' weight loss saga (then an unfortunate relapse to 255); Rico's 'I save a life, I eat a Burrito' campaign; and finally my 'Have sex before you're 25' inspiring dramedy.

Nine 'sessions' in one evening seems like a bit much, almost unhealthy. Nine 'sessions' over three or four days seems more reasonable. Sex (with a female) would be preferred to masturbation. Since we know that won't be happening, it looks like masturbation will have to take a lead role during the Temperance season.

In the coming days, I will have a Q/A with Dr. Tallarico. The first question I may pose: Is there an unhealthy amount of times to masturbate in one evening, especially when you have decreased iron levels in your system?

How To Avoid Cravings

My friend Mike Glab just mentioned the trying nature of temperance regarding "cravings" for that which we deny ourselves. A good way to deal with this is to think of yourself naked, on a beach, with ripped muscles and a hot Dominican beauty queen on your junk, making you feel like Mike Tallarico usually feels. As John Lennon once said, "Imagine...bed." Nein. Also, masturbating at least 9 times an evening helps to make you so tired that you want nothing more than to sleep and think of not masturbating. Get the cord.

Cravings

On the seventh day of Temperance Twenty Ten I am being ambushed by a fierce squadron of cravings. It started this morning in the shower. "Dont go any further", I'm sure your thinking, "I dont want to puke my most recent meal of under cooked meat and beer." I was listening to some hot new Chicago shit from Kidz in the Hall as I scrubbed stinky demons from my body. The MC, Naledge, decided to drop this tantalizing little nugget:

"Mrs. Mild Sauce".

Alarms begin to sound in my tiny brain - FUCKING CHICKEN! WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU HAD SOME SUCCULENT ASS UNCLE REMUS OR HAROLD'S DOUSED IN DELICIOUS FUCKING MILD SAUCE?!?!!

First of all, only someone super awesome references a chick as "Mrs Mild Sauce" and second, I was screwed for the rest of the day. All of my thoughts were focused on meat and meat byproducts. I was suddenly transformed into a real life Looney Tunes episode. On the L, a group of people huddled near the doors resembled an appetizer tray full of chicken wings, rib tips and beef covered nachos. At work, my fingers appeared to be a sausage platter full of brats, dogs and Italian sausages. I had to run to the bathroom and throw water on my face - "Get a hold of youself you fat asshole!"

The worst was yet to take place. On the train ride home, I sat in that shitty seat I spoke of the other day. Something smelled delicious, yet stale and watered down. At first I though it was Keystone Light, but as I surveyed the wet floor, I discovered the source....a spilt tallboy of Budweiser. The smell of this awful beer normally causes my innards to melt like I had just smashed a Sack of Ten (Fuck! A meat reference), yet I couldn't get enough. I hate to drink that crap when I'm eight hours deep in drunkenss, why must it smell so good now??!

Seven days in and things are starting to get rough.

***UPDATE*** I ate half a block of Jewel Cheese during the making of this post.

Popping the Temperance Cherry

I must first begin by thanking my temperance counterparts for inviting me to partake in their traditional abstinence from gluttony. These titans of self-restraint have included me and I hope that I can prove worthy as I cut out my weekend binge-eating and restrain from the nachos and pizza that are constantly at war with my gastric acid.

My body already feels improved following my first week of temperance. Being lovingly known as "fart machine" is an honor, but it is hardly as true following my new diet. My flatulence is slowly becoming a thing of the past, probably causing significant improvement in the lives of my girlfriend, friends, and family. I can only imagine the horror someone feels when he/she meets up with me and is unexpectedly exposed to the overwhelming odor of my "atomic colon bomb" that causes direct damage to the nasal membranes. I may not have expelled gases often, but when I did (usually after a food binge), it was quite intense. I have been able to hold back these surprise intestinal attacks when in the hospital, since I could never put a patient in harm's way, but it is often accompanied with some abdominal discomfort. Now I need not worry about these matters, as the new diet has kept me at gastrointestinal equilibrium. I only wish that the rest of the world would follow this lead because I have experienced some severely noxious odors on my recent El rides. Let us make farts a thing of the past.

In a separate note, temperance has made me feel more energetic which has helped me be even more outgoing and have some awesome conversations. I speak of a man I met in the hospital who was a limo driver and told me that Billy Bob Thornton "is a tiny little man" who "is about the nicest guy and tips big," and that Vince Vaughn is "a huge asshole and shithead." In addition, he left me with this joke: "You lose two things when you get old; your memory........... and I forget the other one." I know that temperance has a long way to go, but I am already seeing the rewards.

Temptation

Sitting bored, thinking about being drunk in Spain the summertime. Nearly naked women abound. Resolve...

Good Vs. Evil

Let us equate alcohol and it's effects to the relationship that good and evil share. We shall assume for the purpose of this argument that alcohol is the liquid equivalent of good, while the consequences of consuming too much alcohol, such as hangovers, unwanted pregnancies, fat, are the alcohol-related manifestations of evil. Now, when we drink alcohol, we feel a sense of euphoria, fun, laughter, etc. We lose our inhibitions and feel the courage to do things that we normally wouldn't do. However, many of these "good" effects of alcohol are swiftly exchanged for horrible physical, mental, emotional by-products. What was once a loss of shackling inhibition becomes, the next day, an awkward situation as one sits naked next to a person or animal who he or she does not want to be next to at that moment. Then regret sets in. Or the loathsome hangover, causing nausea, vomiting, uncontrollable urges to eat smoked meat and fried eggs. Again, all of these after effects we will describe as evil.
Now, the point of this exercise. Alcohol is good when it allows us to enjoy ourselves more than we usually would. However the consequence of that temporary enjoyment is, again, temporary discomfort, shame, embarrassment, etc. Therefore, I ask the question, if alcohol did not exist, would these evil consequences then cease to exist? In our cases, I hope this is true, because I can only assume that if I don't drink enough to kill the entirety of the Moroccan Barbary Ape Regiment in the span of an enchanted evening in the bars and gutters of the Chicagoland area, then I will most likely avoid the evil consequences of overindulgence of alcohol. However, if I go without any alcohol whatsoever and any of the same bad effects of said alcohol consumption do occur, then I have nothing to eat, am allergic to shellfish, and the world is my rotten oyster.

First Week/Fat Fucks

First Week

I can't speak for my Temperance counterparts, but the first few days of this lame journey have gone well. My energy levels are higher than normal and I have had no cravings for meat thus far. I have eaten more fish in the last three days than I have in the last three weeks. Alcohol has not been consumed, nor even thought about, until the creation of this sentence.

Obviously there is a long time to go and what worries me more than anything is the imminent meat cravings. This will be the longest I have ever gone without eating meat and I wonder how my body and my mind will react. We shall see.


Fat Fucks

This morning, a rather hefty gentleman, probably in his late 40's and perfectly capable of standing for the short duration of his L ride, slashes his way toward the end of L. You could tell he was scouting for seats through the train windows as the train pulled into the station because he was frantically chopping his way through a mass of people to get to his coveted seat.

For those who don't ride the L, the seat this particular gentleman was slobbering over was the inner seat of two seated chair that is directly across from the vacant conductor's box at the back of the car. This is probably the worst seat on the train, especially for a larger person. Not only are you pinned between the window and another rider, but there is a oddly placed raised step jutting out directly in front of the rider causing them to sit with one knee practically in their mouth. This seat is so popular it often goes without a rider's ass on a packed train.

The train is already packed and this fat asshole, who is carrying two large bags that appear to contain bowling balls full of turkey gravy, inconveniences everyone by trudging his fat and his fat bags to the back of train. Of course I happen to be standing in the narrow doorway that leads to this seat. My head is precariously close to this overhang, which I guess is there to create a sense of separation from the conductor's box and the rest of the car. Riders are to my left and right and the one good seat is taken by another man sleeping in an upright position with his feet dangling in the aisle (another ignorant transgression we could talk about for days).

A narrow entrance + Me (6'3" 230lbs - well proportioned, but nonetheless, quite the space-taker) + sleeping idiot's feet = not space enough space.

Not according to the internal logic of this fat ass. He plows his fat way into the middle of the narrow doorway. Trying to compromise hazards I slightly shift to the right and pull back my bag trying to allow space for the fat ass to get through while trying not to rudely bump into the rider next to me.

What happens next? The fat ass with his fat gravy bags and I get stuck in the doorway. Anyone could have seen this coming, but not eyes heavy with lids of lard and high blood pressure. So we are STUCK, it's not comfortable and we are both pulling in opposite directions in a desperate attempt to get out of his tangle of fat and gravy bags. In a last ditch effort I pull to the left to get free of the swine. As I do this, the train jerks forward and my head smashes back into the godforsaken overhang! While the fat ass suffers the same fate, he never had to drag me in this mess. All to sit down for four goddamned stops which equates to about 5 minutes of standing!!!!!!

I'm pretty sure I was slightly concussed until about 12:48 PM when the red dots finally went away. Moral is, this guy was clearly a Fat Fuck. He was fat and he didn't care about anyone or anything but his fat bags of gravy filled bowling balls. Not all Fat Fucks are fat, they take on many shapes, sizes and colors. Just make sure you can spot them before they get their gravy drippings all over your morning.

Ode to the First Lady of Edgewater

Oh mine dearest Edna, you fortify my loins with the ease of a Mexican jumping bean.
You are the essence of Cholula hot sauce, distilled drop by drop into my beating heart.
When I gaze upon your visage, my face and eyes uncontrollably move and spasm, much like my stomach and its visitors shift and shake after a hearty meal shared with you.
If life were nothing but an endless succession of trips to Famous Dave's, I'd want nothing more than to spend it with you, wiping barbecue sauce off of your celestial lips and cherubic cheeks. Written for Dr. Feelgood.

M. Vincent Tallarico

On New Years Eve we had an unexpected, but most welcome late addition to Temperance. For those you who do not know Michael Vincent Tallarico, here are some ways his close friends describe him:

"King of the Nerds"
"Fart Machine"
"Dr. Robot"
"Burrito Slayer 3000"

MVT is a man of extremes. He is perhaps, one of the most intelligent people in world and he demonstrates this through his studies in medicine and his vast knowledge of original Star Trek episodes. I have witnessed MVT eat three and a half large burritos, including one with extra sour cream, and have no ill effects. Once he ate so many leftovers from a summer BBQ, that he became incoherent and could not walk for almost an hour. The term "Food Drunk" was coined as a result. He is smarter than you, better looking than you, stronger than everyone combined and his metabolism powers North Riverside Park Mall and the Pink Line year round.

Welcome to Temperance MVT, you don't need us, but we sure need you.

The Last Hangover

Being hungover sucks, but this one feels great. Kevin and I are recounting the highlights of last nite:

We got really drunk
We ate a lot of food
We didn't have sex with any hot chicks


All in all a pretty standard weekend night. This will be the last time we have the hangover chat until the night after the breaking of Temperance. Chances are that we won't be Facebook IMing each about our sober Temperance nights.......

Kevin: Last night was great.

Me: I know, there's nothing more I enjoy than nibbling on sourdough pretzel bites and watching a Golden Girls marathon in your basement.

Kevin: Bea Arthur or Rue McClanahan?

Me: Definitely Rue, she's such a harlot.

Kevin: I'd bang Estelle Getty. I'd have Ben Gay flavored condoms made especially for the occasion.

Me: I gtg.


As you can see there is a lot to look forward to.