Popping the Temperance Cherry

I must first begin by thanking my temperance counterparts for inviting me to partake in their traditional abstinence from gluttony. These titans of self-restraint have included me and I hope that I can prove worthy as I cut out my weekend binge-eating and restrain from the nachos and pizza that are constantly at war with my gastric acid.

My body already feels improved following my first week of temperance. Being lovingly known as "fart machine" is an honor, but it is hardly as true following my new diet. My flatulence is slowly becoming a thing of the past, probably causing significant improvement in the lives of my girlfriend, friends, and family. I can only imagine the horror someone feels when he/she meets up with me and is unexpectedly exposed to the overwhelming odor of my "atomic colon bomb" that causes direct damage to the nasal membranes. I may not have expelled gases often, but when I did (usually after a food binge), it was quite intense. I have been able to hold back these surprise intestinal attacks when in the hospital, since I could never put a patient in harm's way, but it is often accompanied with some abdominal discomfort. Now I need not worry about these matters, as the new diet has kept me at gastrointestinal equilibrium. I only wish that the rest of the world would follow this lead because I have experienced some severely noxious odors on my recent El rides. Let us make farts a thing of the past.

In a separate note, temperance has made me feel more energetic which has helped me be even more outgoing and have some awesome conversations. I speak of a man I met in the hospital who was a limo driver and told me that Billy Bob Thornton "is a tiny little man" who "is about the nicest guy and tips big," and that Vince Vaughn is "a huge asshole and shithead." In addition, he left me with this joke: "You lose two things when you get old; your memory........... and I forget the other one." I know that temperance has a long way to go, but I am already seeing the rewards.